Lifeless As Cold Ashes
by Nalanzu
Summary: Shounen ai, deathfic: If Zhane had been subverted by Dark Specter in the beginning, what would change?
1. Shikai

My world died today. 

No, that's not quite right. Let me be more precise. 

My world died today. 

Again. 

The first time, I thought I had died. The last thing I remembered was a demon, raising its weapon to kill me. Something got in the way, before it struck, but the backlash knocked me unconscious. I was sure I was never going to wake up again. When I did wake up, I wished I hadn't. He had taken the blow. He had saved my life, and now he was gone. I must have dug through the rubble for hours, searching for something of his. I didn't want to believe that he was gone… 

I never found anything. Not a single sign. No evidence that he was dead. And so I refused to believe it. While the Rebellion paid homage to the memory of the Silver Ranger, I looked for something telling me he was alive. 

I even stole the Megaship, and the remaining morphers. I searched the universe over, and yet… there was nothing. The rebels barely managed to escape Dark Spectre without the Megaship. If they had been able to get their hands on me, I'm sure I would have been stripped of the Power. 

I ended up close to Earth, two years later. A massive offensive attack had left their Rangers powerless. I don't know why I took them in, gave them the morphers. I mean, I had a mission. But suddenly, the mission changed. 

I suppose I was lonely. I missed Zhane. I missed my people, and my world. But I'd made sure I could never go back. Or maybe… 

Whatever the reason, I found myself stuck with four near-incompetent humans, and their desire to find their mentor. It was a name I hadn't heard since I was a child. I started to tell them that I'd helped them enough, to return the Power to me… but a thought struck me. If I could find Zordon, I could use him to find Zhane. 

The humans improved, I suppose. They brought a new nemesis with them, by the name of Astronema. She was … she was… indescribable. I hated her with a passion. In time, she came to embody everything I was against. It was because of her that everyone I loved died, or was lost to me. My sister, my mentor, my people… my lover… It was when I almost fit in, when I almost felt happy and whole that I remembered Zhane, and it all fell apart again. 

I remember… the feel of his skin, battle-scarred… I remember… his eyes, bright with some hazy emotion… It was my fault that he was gone, and it was my responsibility to find him again. 

The second time my world crashed and burned at my feet was when I discovered that Karone… my sister… was my enemy. She was Astronema. She was the one I hated, the one I had searched for. It was too much. She didn't even remember being my sister. I had been responsible for her, too. And I had let her down. I let them all down. She almost remembered me. Almost. Right before she tried to impale me on her Wrath Staff. It was funny, but her…consort, I suppose you could call him… stopped her. Just pushed the staff aside, and shook his head. I haven't contacted her since. I haven't tried. I don't know if I could face her again. 

My sister is either dead to me, or she will be redeemed. I can't do it. I… 

I tried to forget who she was, so that I could fight. I almost got the team killed. I had to fight, after that. And hope that some day, my sister will be freed. It's one more thing I will attain through Zordon. 

The third time my world shattered into ashes… was only a few hours ago. Or has it been longer…? I'm not sure. The walls of the cell deep within the Dark Fortress are all the same, and the light never changes. I think. I can see Carlos across from me, and I can hear Ashley whimpering in her unconscious pain. TJ… TJ was here… only a few minutes ago. Wasn't he…? 

Cassie will have to save us. She's the only one of us that the Quantrons didn't pick up after Z… after he set up the explosive device that took us all down. If she's still alive, anyway. 

I'm not sure I want her to save us. 

Carlos is speaking, but I can't hear him over the sound of my own heartbeat. I can hear Ashley, though. She… she's woken up. I think she's all right. Carlos and Ashley… are they speaking to me? I don't want to hear them. I don't want to hear or see anything. 

I found Zhane today. 

He came back. He came back to me, wide-eyed and smiling. Healthy. Safe. Whole. Perfect… I should have known something was wrong when I kissed him and he pulled away. I wouldn't have noticed if I didn't know him so well, but I thought maybe it was because I hadn't seen him in so long… 

It wasn't until I woke up that I knew something was wrong. I woke up chained to a wall, and he was smiling at me. The bastard was smiling at me, the way he used to smile, warm and loving. If he had asked me to join him, I would have done it. And then I would have found a way to bring him and my sister back to normal. But he didn't ask me. 

He belongs to my sister. I can see it. The way she belongs to Dark Spectre. She must have found him after he saved me, found him and healed him and turned him to evil. 

I can't fight Zhane. I can't do it. 

I have to. I have to win. I have to bring him back. I'll find a way to do it. Carlos is staring at me intently, now. I can hear TJ's distinctive tread in the hallway, and he is alone. If he has broken free and can rescue us, I will fight. 

The alternative doesn't bear consideration. I stare back at Carlos, twist around to look at Ashley, and nod. 

For his sake, I will fight and I will win. 


	2. Smoke

I'm sorry, Andros. 

I'm sorry for so many things. 

I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't want… 

When I saw you, that day, the day that Dark Spectre almost won, you were the most wonderful thing I had ever seen. And I wanted, so badly, to help you. You were fighting for me, for your sister, for a world that wasn't yours but that you called home all the same. 

Remember when you almost got your sister back? When she realized who she was? She tried to take me with her, to the Megaship. The only thing you knew then was that Karone had turned her back on you, and chosen to remain Astronema. She wanted to be good again, Andros, she really did. 

I stopped her. 

Did you wonder why she had cybernetic implants the next time you saw her? Those were my doing. I turned her in to Dark Spectre, dragged her there, threw her at his metaphorical feet and laughed at her terror. Those bits of twisted wires and circuits were designed to keep her under his control. Of course, you probably figured that out when Darkonda killed Dark Spectre. Or maybe you knew it before. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. 

We captured you once. All of you except the Pink Ranger. She and the ever-resourceful Blue Ranger managed to turn the tables, free all of you. You even tried to turn me back to good. I refused to listen, of course. The reprogramming Dark Spectre had done while I slept, healing from the injuries his general had inflicted, was far too deeply entwined in my mind to be so easily broken. 

I wonder, now, if it has been broken, or if it merely lies dormant, waiting for some sign to re-emerge. 

The day that the rebels surrendered, I was there. It made the victory that much sweeter when I removed my helmet and they knew who I was. I shudder at the memory now. I've seen them only once since then. They said that I could stay there, to heal, and that there was nothing to forgive. 

Do you know how that feels, Andros? Do you know how it feels to have defeated and tortured your own, enjoyed every minute of it, and to have them tell you that there is nothing to forgive? I couldn't face them, so I came to Earth. 

It was almost worse. At first, Karone felt the same way I did. She had done terrible things as Astronema. Of course, she had grown up with the knowledge that her destiny was to fight the forces of goodness. But when she broke free, she came home. It wasn't her fault, that she lived the majority of her life as Astronema. And she knew it. It was hard for her, but she managed to overcome her guilt. 

I don't know if I can do that. I should have been able to resist. I … I was a Ranger! I was the Silver Ranger - feared, respected, legendary. And yet I was like clay in Dark Spectre's hands. I did all that he asked of me. I used my knowledge of you to further advance our plans. 

It was lucky that you changed the access codes on the Megaship. I would have been able to take it, otherwise. Things would have turned out very differently. 

I saw you nearly kill your sister. Ecliptor was on Earth, overseeing the horde of Quantrons, and I was supposed to protect her. You nearly trusted me, when I stepped out of the shadows and dropped my weapon. You came so close to falling into my trap. Just one more step, an outreached hand, and I would have had you. I would have won. 

You saw through me, of course. You fought me, and defeated me, and destroyed the time warp that held Zordon. You killed your mentor – our mentor – and saved the universe. 

And I woke up. The explosion of your weapon threw me too far away for you to easily see me, and your sister was right there. I saw you pick her up and walk away. I don't remember much after that, only that the next thing I saw clearly was the ceiling of the Megaship's medbay, and the Pink Ranger smiling down at me. 

"He's okay!" she said. 

But I wasn't. 

I didn't know if I wanted to be close to you again, like we were before, or if I wanted to run as far and fast as I could. 

I tried running, but the new KO-35 wasn't the answer. 

I tried to be close to you, and the feeling of your skin touching mine, your… You were willing to pick up where we'd left off, and for a brief moment, I almost did. But then I saw the way the Yellow Ranger looked at you. Being close wasn't the answer either. 

You were frustrated with me. I could see it in your eyes, your movements, hear it in your voice. I can't blame you for it. I don't want to be a burden to you, Andros. I loved you once, but I don't know if I am capable of feeling anything any more, and I don't want to make you unhappy. 

So, by the time you see this, you won't have to worry about me ever again. I'll be safe. And you will be safe, because Dark Spectre's programming will have died with me. He won't be able to reach me any more. Nothing will. I think… I want it that way. 

Goodbye, Andros. 


End file.
